I’ve heard of mental health but never tried it

I have Attention Deficit Disorder and associated learning disabilities that I didn’t discover until 33. I am old enough to have been in school when the strap was the preferred method of dealing with neurological disorders and learning disabilities. In grade 1 I was threatened with the strap because I couldn’t do math homework, other times in school I was hit with rulers. The ban on corporal punishment didn’t end the misery, physical abuse is better than public humiliation, verbal abuse and being told you are worthless. The people supposed to protect me have always been my biggest bullies.

Part of having is an inability to read social cues and to read people’s intentions. This has always made me an easy target for immature losers who torture others to feel good, this is why I don’t trust people. It also means I have no way of knowing if a woman likes me or not. A woman could flirt with me and be very obvious but unless she pins me to a bed and haves her way with me I would completely miss her signals. The fact no woman is pinning me to a bed and having her way with me is how I know there isn’t one interested.

If the past is a guide to the future my future is bleak. I never spent more than three years at a primary school and that lead me to escape inside myself. Why make friends if you won’t see them again. I keep the shields of humour and isolation to protect myself from further pain. The world I’m writing a novel about was born from being cut off from everyone, it is one of the escapes. Loneliness has always been my only friend.

Social anxiety is what my therapist called what I have, perhaps social anxiety disorder. Events, interviews, phone calls, even family gatherings all terrify me at some level. Alcohol helps but I can’t be drinking all the time as that will cost more than therapy. I probably come across as rude when dealing with people but it is just a combination of the ADD, depression and anxiety. Yes depression is another life long companion, I don’t remember a time without it.

I need constant feed back so I know people received my messages, emails or whatever. When I don’t get feedback I shut down and assume the worse. I don’t need people’s duckbilled platitudes, hollow sympathy or crocodile tears. Just people’s awareness their are problems like this and  to make sure the environment we live in changes so no one else has to suffer these things. People have suffered worse than me and that is societies great failure, a society is only as healthy as its sickest individual.

I once heard it said that the blues are not about feeling better but making other people feel worse. Not being musical I will blog.

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5 comments on “I’ve heard of mental health but never tried it

  1. saysh says:

    ❤ I can understand. I dont have ADD, but the severe social anxiety is right there along witht he depression. I wish that I could hug you in real life so that maybe, just maybe you would not feel so alone in this, but Texas to Canada is a long way. So, know I hug you in my head and heart. And also know that sometimes *I* can't respond to things because of where I am at. But you are still my friend and I still care about you. ❤

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  2. Sarah says:

    You’re very brave for “putting it out there”. I’m sorry life has been less than kind to you. Perhaps it has something very important in store for you. Wishing you all the best. Your friend, Sarah 🙂

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  3. shyutgal says:

    Just know that there are thousands of people out there who suffer the same things as you do. Doesn’t make it any less lonely, nor your experience any less unique to you, but it might help if things look really black. And just for the record? I don’t know what sort of women you encounter in Canada, but in the U.S. (at least in Utah)? The thing about the woman pinning you to a bed somewhere cuts both ways – a lot of women don’t think a guy finds them desirable unless he’s pinning them to a bed and doing the same thing. Clues are overrated because many of us don’t ‘get’ the really subtle signals that others might find useful. Honest communication is the only way that I know to let someone else know what you might be thinking about. And suffering from social phobia (their name for it down here) myself, I realize what a paradox that is. You are supposed to be able to ‘talk’ to other people to enjoy their company, but you can’t. Hang in there. I suspect you’ll find what you’re looking for, one way or another.

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  4. saysh says:

    Actually Mel, it is called social anxiety in the USA also. 🙂 I have it also. It sucks rocks. Thankfully, I can leave the house now…sometimes.

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