I have Attention Deficit Disorder and associated learning disabilities that I didn’t discover until 33. I am old enough to have been in school when the strap was the preferred method of dealing with neurological disorders and learning disabilities. In grade 1 I was threatened with the strap because I couldn’t do math homework, other times in school I was hit with rulers. The ban on corporal punishment didn’t end the misery, physical abuse is better than public humiliation, verbal abuse and being told you are worthless. The people supposed to protect me have always been my biggest bullies.
Part of having is an inability to read social cues and to read people’s intentions. This has always made me an easy target for immature losers who torture others to feel good, this is why I don’t trust people. It also means I have no way of knowing if a woman likes me or not. A woman could flirt with me and be very obvious but unless she pins me to a bed and haves her way with me I would completely miss her signals. The fact no woman is pinning me to a bed and having her way with me is how I know there isn’t one interested.
If the past is a guide to the future my future is bleak. I never spent more than three years at a primary school and that lead me to escape inside myself. Why make friends if you won’t see them again. I keep the shields of humour and isolation to protect myself from further pain. The world I’m writing a novel about was born from being cut off from everyone, it is one of the escapes. Loneliness has always been my only friend.
Social anxiety is what my therapist called what I have, perhaps social anxiety disorder. Events, interviews, phone calls, even family gatherings all terrify me at some level. Alcohol helps but I can’t be drinking all the time as that will cost more than therapy. I probably come across as rude when dealing with people but it is just a combination of the ADD, depression and anxiety. Yes depression is another life long companion, I don’t remember a time without it.
I need constant feed back so I know people received my messages, emails or whatever. When I don’t get feedback I shut down and assume the worse. I don’t need people’s duckbilled platitudes, hollow sympathy or crocodile tears. Just people’s awareness their are problems like this and to make sure the environment we live in changes so no one else has to suffer these things. People have suffered worse than me and that is societies great failure, a society is only as healthy as its sickest individual.
I once heard it said that the blues are not about feeling better but making other people feel worse. Not being musical I will blog.