Heart = Bullseye

I wrote this yesterday afternoon and edited to post tonight:
My melt down continues, actually it is part of the healing process to let it out. I recently had a low I haven’t felt in awhile. I was in nearing the point where I looked for a permanent way out. People with ADD are less likely to seek death but the thought has been with me from time to time since I was a child.
This is not about a cry for help to prevent my suicide. I won’t give people the satisfaction. This explosion of extroverted emotion and depression I’m realizing is routed in my loneliness. This is what I have been trying to say but perhaps unclearly. This feeling can’t be solved by family and friends or meeting new people. This is the physical loneliness, the need for intimacy, the longing for a lover.

This time of year with the marketed romance and smug couples is painful. Being socially anxious is terrible on its own but add ADD with the inability to identify social cues and you start to see the dilemma. Factor in the history of rejection, humiliation and being made to feel I’m a creep you will understand why I don’t even bother asking any more. I’ve come to the conclusion life will be alone and unsatisfying. I’ve had a life time of being made to feel worthless to justify solitude.

If you have seen the World War II stock footage of a Japanese pilot with a wing missing, tail on fire and is spinning into a cruiser then you have seen the best representation of my love life. In fact I envy that pilot as his pain is over. Mine just messes around so I never get used to it.

There are two terrifying reasons I no longer ask women out; 1) rejection 2) acceptance. I don’t need anymore rejection in life. Having very little experience with relationships makes being accepted just as bad. I don’t know what to do or say, how to act. Never had the chance to figure it out.

The only relationship I have been in still hurts. I was told recently that communications with my daughter are cut off again. Even though I try to help financially when I can there is no scheduled visits. It can be years between times seeing my daughter or even finding out what she is up to.

As far as I can tell there are no women interested in me. I’ve never been set up on a date with anyone or even had someone suggest asking someone out. I know I’m not much of a catch what being socially inept, out of shape, ADD, poor, come across as needy and so on.

So this is a bit why I don’t date, have meaningful relationships or even go out much. I feel ashamed of being this way.

I don’t need to hear more of the ‘just go for it’, ‘you have a lot to offer’, ‘it will happen someday’ advice. That advice is based in ignorance and makes me feel worse. The terror freezes me and I can’t think or speak or breath. The feeling only starts to leave once the opportunity is lost and is followed be the depression that seeks a final way out.

Forgive me when at times my frustration turns to bitterness and/or anger. I don’t have very good coping strategies but I am learning. Perhaps it is to late to explain, it already seems I’ve alienated people. Most of my attempts at connecting with people are failures. People want space so I will give everyone their space for a billion years or someone engages me.

I won’t kill myself but I am trying to become dead inside.

Since editing this I feel a lot better after a good thoughtful discussion. Amazing no devolving to Hitler, name calling or a Python bit. Though they just added me so there is time for me to bring a Python reference in.

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