I’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately. It seems I can’t concentrate, understand or cope with anything without feeling drained. I feel the need to retreat fro everyone and everything because isolation is the best way to recover from the madness I feel. Perhaps all the social stuff lately is grinding me down. I used to have more recovery time between events. I like that after a lifetime of loneliness I am finally connecting to people but the crowds are a nightmare for me.
I am ADD and thus having the same food all the time is boring. Boring leads to depression. The other problem with food is I am get terrified to eat when I don’t know what’s in it. So much food has gluten in it I have to give it a pass. Gluten intolerance or Celiac disease was a biproduct of discovering I am allergic to scallops. People say I’m difficult in food choices but it is just not wanting the same stuff repeatedly. I also don’t want flavourless stuff that will bore then depress me further.
People ask me what I want to eat and without a menu/options I can’t decide. I need information to make decisions or my brain feels like exploding. I am a visual person with excellent hearing and bad eyesight. Although I hear well I can’t always process what I do hear. Part of the hearing problem is lack of filters, I can’t hear the person standing next to me because the airconditioner, the clinking glasses, the moving chair, the person in the corner coughing, the traffic down the street and endless other noises are trying to get in my brain for processing at the same time. So when I realize people are speaking to me and I ask what they say it is because I just realized and need people to start again from the beginning, not repeat the word I heard when I realized I was the one being spoken too.
As an introvert I have no ability to think on my feet quickly or make small talk. I need time to collect my thoughts before saying something and will shut down if I am faced with a group. One of many traumatic experiences in high school was trying to remember lines doing a scene from Romeo and Juliet. Because of my ADD related memory problems and the entire class staring at me I couldn’t remember the lines someone had just fed me. People who stare are judging and that makes me feel like rolling up into a ball and ceasing to exist.
Some people think anyone can do what they feel are simple tasks. If disabilities are visible then okay people will allow a pass but if they is no visible disability it is laziness or stupidity or moral inferiority. Just because other people with ADD can do something doesn’t mean I can. Most people don’t want to understand others’ difficulties. They just get stuck in the myth of one size fits all. Far to many people find the different person easy prey for bullying and humiliation. It is so easy to make fun of the distracted person for being distracted. Who cares if that teasing creates social anxiety and a fear of people.
The bullies in the playground were easier to take than the bullies at the front of the class, the guidance department or in the principals office. Home was never an escape because the safe environment never existed. Teasing never stopped and I hate myself for being caught up in it. People shouldn’t have to be on guard in their own homes in case another taunt, insult or prodding occurs. The pain never goes away and gets worse when it is dismissed as good natured fun.
Phones are another thing I loath. I have difficulty processing sound as I said. Add the phone as tool of marketing or collecting student loans that are over due and start to see why I can go into panic mode when that awful ring occurs. My experience of phones is of people using them for abuse outside of arms reach, call, say something horrible before I can understand what is going on then hang up.
All of this is part of why I get to overwhelmed. After a life time of being told I’m worthless, even with the intent of teasing, it feels painful to be praised or shown any kindness. I always find it suspicious, a set up for the next insult or humiliation, the opening for the next prank. I never relax, I hardly sleep because of the dread of the next round of abuse. I will never find a safe place or a person I will fully trust, which is really shitty. Now ice that crap cake with poverty and almost all human contact being painful.
Anyways only four months before I can reapply for more therapy sessions. I just started listening to episodes of the Secret History of Rock so that is a bit therapeutic. Going forward I need to do things my way because honestly I can only do things my way. Next step food and maybe some Smiths.