Phucking Phones!!!

I have learning disabilities that make translating what I hear into meaning next to impossible. I’m not hard of hearing, my hearing is excellent it just doesn’t translate into meaning unless repeated dozens of times. I need a visual reference in order to remember things. ADD comes with short term memory problems that make remembering what was said five seconds ago difficult or impossible. Combine that with my social anxiety, being introverted, shyness and a history of being cut off before organizing my thoughts into sentences.

On top of all that my history of phones is a history of death, humiliation, abuse, insults and general being made to feel like shit. No one ever calls me with good news or positive things. I always feel lost and humiliated dealing with people on a phone. It is overwhelming just thinking I have to pick one up, I’ve spent the last few days in a panic. I move from depression to anger to wishing I was dead because the current situation with Ontario Works. I think they get bonuses for each case file closed because of suicide.

I prefer email because I can refer back to it, right click and put a date in iCal or go to Google to get more information. Phones are incapable of helping me remember or understand. It is now at the point where I cringe and tense up when I hear one ringing. The louder the volume on a phone the less I actually hear.

I need therapy but if I don’t have support then I can’t apply for more therapy in July. Why do we need to wait six months between sessions? I’m supposed to be going on disability but have heard nothing since February. I need thousands of dollars worth of dental work because I grind my teeth and probably have cavities. I’m on medication for my ADD but can’t get it without the drug plan.

Odd. Even writing about phones leaves me socially drained and wanting to slip into a coma. Guess the solution is to walk downtown and wait in line at OW office to be told to go home and call.

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