Triggers (not the dead horse)

I’ve been feeling drained lately, I have energy but no focus to use it. A sense of worthlessness combining with stress, loneliness, and increasing confusion. It is always difficult to get a routine and lately it has been even more difficult. I’ve been wanting to write but something is keeping from doing more than just notes.

In the last few weeks I’ve become more sensitive to noise and it seems to be more common around here. I’m always on edge, always agitated, anxious and paranoid of what people will do to me next. It is very annoying the level of disrespect I receive. Every answer I give or decision I make lately has been questioned, judged and found unacceptable. I hate repeating myself or justifying myself to people who treat me with zero respect. It is as if I’m not my own person but some robot for others to program. I try to accommodate people around me but rarely have I had that courtesy returned.

People say a lot of wonderful positive things to me at times when I’m like this. I get low, I tweet and get a few responses. These words are hollow so I ignore them. The actions that make me feel like this never stop, the people never change. How can I believe people’s words when they continue to treat me or my opinions as irrelevant? How can I ever trust someone who says they love me but joke that I should have been thrown out like a wrecked pancake? People say they are on my side but then go out of their way to frustrate, obstruct or humiliate me?

The triggers of my rage and lack of confidence seem to be enclosing in on me more and more. They are all I know anymore. If people really did care about me why do they destroy my coping mechanisms and ADD friendly routines/systems and provide me more stress, chaos and worthlessness. I no longer can access any positive memories in life, only the times I’ve been hurt, humiliated, degraded or ignored.

Last night the only way I could relax and enjoy some TV and twitter is to have a small bottle of port in me. Not the best solution but all the other ones I’m told to try have been failures. I need help but it is unlikely I can ever have any, just as unlikely as ever feeling something positive without being drunk.

The saddest, most pathetic thing is I still have faint hope that someday I’ll have a champion to help me destroy my critics. That maybe someday I will be respected enough not to be endlessly second guessed, humiliated or considered garbage. I still hope to be free from my tormentors and their toxic treatments. I know I’m sounding deluded that any of that will happen.

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2 comments on “Triggers (not the dead horse)

  1. saysh says:

    Hey… is there ANY way you can get your own place?/ And I truly mean ANY way. Even if it means you wont be able to afford any “luxuries” (I put that in quotes because those are totally different for everyone – mine are books and movie and internet, yours might be wine and cable tv, I don’t know exactly). You need your own space where you make your own rules. And are able to have your own coping mechanisms without anyone there to judge or disrupt what you need to do.

    I know how hard of a thing that seems – having been in a position of “stuck” for so long. But if there is ANY way you can, you ought to try. And I know – super hard thing to even consider, but you should.

    I don’t know any way to help other than listen if you want to vent. And that is not hollow words.

    Like

    • qualitypunk says:

      I was looking into that awhile ago. I would just end up in a house with strangers as lowest rents are higher then maximum allowed under social assistance. Thanks for the advice and the opportunity to vent

      Like

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