Today I was unfair, impatient, unjust and a real shit to someone I counted as a close friend. All my relationships with people end with me hating myself. All my relationships were either friendships I’ve sabotaged or me being gullible and being used. The closest thing to a romantic relationship turned out I was being used to keep another guy away.
It was always difficult to make friends growing up. Surrounded by impatient domineering people who wouldn’t let me speak for myself, never spending more than three years in a primary school and having my confidence shattered repeatedly made me withdraw into fantasy worlds. I remember the names I gave Lego figures more than the names of childhood friends, Lego afterall was the rare stability and constant that I remember growing up.
Maybe it’s me, maybe I use people to hurt myself with and then shittily take it out them later. I’ve done some terrible things to avoid getting close to people. I can’t give blame to anyone else for the negative in my life anymore then I can take credit for any of the positive in my life. So never again will I get close to people, to allow myself to use people to hurt myself. It is better for everyone if I go back to being ignored like in high school.
It is times like these I question why I was ever born, it would be better if I hadn’t. Oh well, I guess I’ll pour myself a glass of wine and head to bed early. Not that I can ever sleep all night, just in bed I can do less harm.