I just finished watching the finale of Babylon 5 with the commentary by the creator/writer/episode director J Michael Straczynski. The comments about there is hope for all of us being the shows main theme. How damaged, broken individuals can have success and in the end be valued. Another theme in the show is taking responsibility for our decisions and dealing with the consequences, the story arc of my favourite character Londo Mollari. The commentary by JMS that I’ve watched has really been good at seeing the show, the world, and my own work in a different light.
Maybe it is the lack of tasty food lately, so many leftovers of leftovers, or maybe it is the lack of sleep, other causes may apply but whatever the latest reason is I have been looking inward lately. I don’t see the hope everyone is supposed to have, I just see barriers, some of my creation but mostly others, blocking any evolution or hope I may have. Maybe I’m the exception to the rule there is hope for everyone, maybe I just need to let the delusion of hope die.
There is a certain tranquility flowing through me right now, a contentment in the realisation I am alone. I’ve always been alone no matter how many people are physically around me I am alone. I accept now that I’ll never have a true friend, a lover, or someone willing to crawl through hell with me. It is for the best, the people I consider friends, family members, the people I care about should be free from the darkness inside me. The darkness is growing in a strange and wonderful way, it is becoming a drive to…to what hasn’t become clear yet.
This isn’t a cry for help but a warning that the path ahead has no room for anyone but me. For now on I will close off what remains of my heart to protect others from its poison. I’ll still hang out with people from time to time just not open up to people anymore. Not that people are actively seeking to spend time with me. Being alone might focus me more on finishing the current novel.
I’ve withdrawn from people most of my life because it is painful to see what others have that I will never have. This time I shall be more carefully guarded to avoid being drawn back out, because the pain gets harder to cope with each time. The real problem with evolving though, everyone one else seems to fight against it and loathe those who do evolve.