So I’ve been feeling low, slow, hyper distracted, disoriented, and unmotivated for the last few months. Concentration is almost impossible for more than a few minutes, to the point I’ve stopped being able to read a complete paragraph before moving to another activity. It can take an hour to read a short article. I’ve had untreated concussions in the past and I have ADHD, either or both may be causing this.
Last fall I was sent back into the social services merry go round to find work or be threatened with refusal of Ontario Works. So far the results are the same as every time before: I need university degree/s to get a job I’m capable of doing, or I need to find a way to be paid to write, or I need a complete rewrite of my DNA and brain chemistry to do the jobs available. I have no clue on how to get any of those things done.
Certain assumptions in our society have been long held and are counterproductive; everyone is able to sell, everyone is able to drive a car, and everyone is able to use the phone. I can not do any of those things and have no desire to. My confidence was shattered at a very early age and will never recover. I go into complete shutdown and panic mode with phone calls and many times all social actions shuts me down or sends me into a panic. Add to the fact I can not absorb/learn anything unless I see it written or diagramed and phones become a major problem. I cannot return to a phone call to see what was said and I instantly forgot because my memory is so bad. With my sensitive hearing I find loud noises difficult so I shut my hearing off when people shout or make noise.
So how does someone like me deal with a society that only uses a phone? I can’t get a doctor’s appointment without calling, or get help from my caseworker without calling, everything seems to be phone only. Why do people only want me to use my disabilities and not my abilities? In many cases it seems my abilities should be allowed to perish in favour of me conforming to some sort of mid Twentieth Century ideal.
I’d go back to McMaster to finish a history degree in a heartbeat but I would have to find a way to go into enough debt to pay tuition, living expenses and everything. I cannot work and study as I will burn out to quickly. Dealing with people drains me to nothing very quickly. Getting work alone isn’t very easy as my work experience is almost nil, scattered over my adult life in small chunks of time, and I have no references. Of course it is all my fault though, I wasn’t getting myself out there and pulling my socks up, or showing initiative, I should stop being lazy stupid and immature. I should just take anything regardless if it will send me into a deep depression.
The only things I feel productive doing are writing and researching. Ideas are what I’m drawn too, as is creativity. Our one size fits none society would rather discard people than adapt to the changing world. The economic centre of gravity is shifting back to Asia and the Silk Roads. Sticking rigidly to archaic work ethics and Nineteen-Fifties job descriptions will kill our economy faster than jobs moving to the BRIC or MINT countries. The us versus them approach won’t stop the jobs moving away, just stop us getting different to support those rising economies.
To keep up with the change we will need a cradle to grave education system that is fully funded publicly, like our health care system. Stop treating education as a luxury reserved for the lucky enough to get loans or rich enough to not need loans. We get so blase about education but we forget there are people willing to get killed for it. After all education is better for economic stimulus than a much higher expenditure in roads.
So how do I monetize my creativity, ideas, and writing ability? I know I need practice, a portfolio of work, advocates who can sell me, and a bunch of luck but I’ve no clue on where to get it. I have looked at the writing unions/guilds’ sights but they require a contract or being published. I’ve thought about self publishing what I’m writing but I have to have the money first and someone to edit what’s finished. This blog’s donation button was added but might not be working. I know, it’s the internet version of panhandling.
The person I’m working with at the latest program I’ve been sent to suggested volunteering to get experience. I would need something without phones, humans, and working with my hands. I’ve tried in the past to do social or phones but it gets harder every time. I don’t want people making phone calls for me, I want the ability to do things over email.
Writing this has been somewhat cathartic, or the Oscar Peterson I’ve been listening too has. I should go get some red wine, but I’m feeling to agoraphobic to go out right now. Had far too much social time already this week.