Report to Star Fleet Command

To: Starfleet Headquarters AKA Senility Central

From: Captain ‘not Kirk, Picard, Janeway or Pike’ of ‘not the Enterprise, Voyager or Defiant’

Subject: Recent events on our patrol of the Neutral Zone

We checked out the planet as ordered and sent down an away team. They were taken hostage and were to be executed if we didn’t leave the stolen technology behind. We obeyed our orders and launched a rescue of our crew mates. 33% of the planet was destroyed but we got the team back. Their funerals are on Saturday. Meh redshirts.

As we returned to Federation Space we were stopped by customs. My first officer was arrested for contraband. He says he was holding it for some Ferengi but he had kept the Romulan receipt. Enterprise never gets stopped by customs. Wankers.

The ships android has hacked into our pension funds and lost it all at the track. He is being backed by the Ferengi in a poker game to win it all back. Who programed him to have a gambling addiction?

The token Vulcan on the crew is on Heroine again. Either that or she is mind melding with Tribbles.

We encountered a plot hole, I mean worm hole. We saw the giant planet killing sphere again. It was landing troops on a strange desert planet with only one climate zone. They called the troops ‘Stormtroopers’, not proper ones with Maple Leaves on their uniforms but poorly trained losers in white plastic armour. White armour? Way to blend in guys. We beamed down our redshirts and wiped them out. Our Ferengi contacts are selling the armour on ebay to help our pension losses.

On the way out of the worm hole we came across a funny ship with rotating sections to create gravity. They asked us for directions to Babylon 5. We had no idea but shared our star charts with them. They came back angry about Deep Space 9 for some reason. They claimed they were going to sue. Number one photon torpedo tube is malfunctioning again. We sold the ships debris to the Ferengi.

Maintenance discovered an ancient blue telephone box in one of our cargo holds. We checked it out and a very weird guy and his attractive side kick just mumbled that we weren’t Daleks and ran off. Maintenance went to get the box this morning and move it to the ships museum but it was gone. We searched but no sign of it or the two who were in it.

We are a combat vessel, right? So why do we have a museum on board? Not to mention the daycare. I’m supposed to pass out juice boxes to screaming toddlers while engaging a Romulan cruiser at close range. How brain dead do you have to be to be a Starfleet admiral? We like the brothel though.

Turns out the green woman isn’t an alien. Just very bad personal hygiene. Bad self esteem as well, I mean she dated Kirk.

The ship’s doctor needs to be replaced. He thinks he is an extra in some old cowboy movie. He also seems to think he is hunting u-boats in the North Atlantic with the Royal Navy.

Finally got the door to my quarters fixed. No more giggling crew members watching me shower. People save it for surface leave!

Well the red alert has gone off again. Most likely one of the interns has a broken nail. Starfleet recruiting uses a casting couch right?

What do you mean he bet the ship on a pair of twos!?!